This grew out of a comment thread on one of my posts on Facebook. I suspect this might be used as fodder by anti-feminists; please donāt. Women arenāt the problem. Female empowerment isnāt the problem. Feminism isnāt the problem.
A refusal to take instances of rape seriously is, and remains the problem.
We donāt take it seriously when women are honest about their sexual abuse. We also donāt take it seriously when men do it. Men refuse to take rape seriously. So do women. This is a problem with people in general.
I also suspect this might be used as fodder by some to claim that Iām horning in on womenās spaces (as it was in the original ādiscussion,ā which predictably went nowhere). While that matters, the fact that I was raped matters, too. Tell me what to do to try and get you to pay attention to that, and Iāll do it.
Some of you will see this as appropriative. I canāt really do anything about that. Youāre going to see what you want to see. My only decision is whether or not I should continue to sit on my hands.
A hashtag isnāt a womenās only space. Iām not telling you to admit men to womenās shelters (though, resources for men escaping domestic abuse matter; it may be a separate discussion).
The people who know me already know this is part of my history.
Weāre left in a tough spot. Either we donāt talk about men who get raped and sexually abused, which is business as usual, or we do, and instead of focusing on the issue, now we have to deal with accusations of being appropriative.
My first instinct, of course, is to stay out of this. My first instinct whenever rape is being discussed is not to talk about it happening to me. My first instinct is always to be quiet, to be compliant⦠to let the people who know ābetterā than me talk about this, because what happened to me isnāt really the same thing⦠not really.
Never mind that he systematically coerced me into sex I didnāt want to have, over and over again. Never mind that ānoā was never actually an option. Never mind that he took what he wanted, used me in ways heād already decided he was going to, regardless of what I said. Never mind that I was too young at the time to really understand what was happening.
Never mind that Iāve been in and out of therapy for years, at this point.
What happened to me isnāt really a part of the rape culture. A bad thing, sure. Regrettable. But Iām not one of the 6 in 10 women who will be raped or assaulted, say some.
Well. No, Iām not one of those women. But what happened to me still happened.
So, okayāāā#metoo isnāt for me, too, say some people. Thatās starting to leave a really ugly taste in my mouth. Iāve been told by all sorts of people to stay quiet, to not make this an issueā¦
No one pretends that women donāt get raped. We donāt pay any attention to individual women who come out about their abuse, and we slut shame them and all the rest, but nobody debates that āfemale rapeā doesnāt really exist. If ignoring the scope of the problem is part of the problem, then itās the same problem if we ignore or downplay that this doesnāt just happen to women. Itās part of the same problem to claim ownership of a hashtag thatās supposedly intended to raise awareness about just how widespread this really is, and how many people it affects.
Thatās the crux, I suppose. Do we intend to show people that this is a problem for just the people who are women, or that itās a problem? If just the former, why?
Because no one listens when you tell your story? Thatās happened to me. (In some ways, given accusations of appropriating a hashtag, thatās still happening.)
Because people tell you it was your fault? That too.
Because people tell you that if youād done things differently, you wouldnāt have brought it on yourself? Yeah, that too.
If #metoo belongs to women alone, in what way was the fact of my rape, and the reaction to it in any fucking way any different?
The angrier I get about this the more I realize Iām asking you for permission to talk about this, in the hopes youāll pay attention. I do not require your permission, and permission isnāt yours to give, in the first place.
Iām a feminist. Iām in favor of actually talking about any of this. If #metoo helps, then itāll be good.
But not at the expense of male sexual abuse still being ignored, by practically everyone.
And at this point, I fear we will never, ever, not ever escape claims of being appropriative.
So we either actually talk about this, and let the folks who want to focus on claims of appropriation over the reality of rape do what they were always going to do⦠or we sit back down, and be quiet, and itāll be business as usual.
If this works out to some greater awareness of the scope of the problem of rape and sexual assault among women, then thatās a good thing.
I wish I felt like it was, though.
